Domestic Violence Myths & Facts:
MYTH: Battering is rare.
FACT: Battering is extremely common. Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of 15 and 44 in our country, and the FBI estimates that a woman is beaten every 15 seconds. National studies indicate that at least 1 in 10 American women each year are abused by the men in their lives. In fact, half of all marriages involve at least one episode of violence between spouses. At least 1.8 million of these women are severely beaten every year. Thirty percent of female homicide victims are killed by partners or ex-partners and 1,500 women are murdered as a result of domestic violence each year in the United States. These statistics are shocking. However, the actual extent of the problem may be even worse since only an estimated 1 in 10 episodes is even reported to the police. Domestic violence is this country's most under reported crime.
MYTH: Domestic violence occurs only in poor, uneducated and minority families.
FACT: Studies of domestic violence consistently have found that battering occurs among all types of families, regardless of income, profession, region, ethnicity, educational level or race. However, the fact that lower income victims and abusers are over-represented in calls to police, battered women's shelters and social services may be due to a lack of other resources.
MYTH: Women provoke beatings/abusive incidents. They must like it or they would leave.
FACT: Victim provocation is no more common in domestic violence than in any other crime. Battered women often make repeated attempts to leave violent relationships, but are prevented from doing so by increased violence and control tactics on the part of the abuser. Other factors which inhibit a victim's ability to leave include economic dependence, few viable options for housing and support, unhelpful responses from the criminal justice system or other agencies, social isolation, cultural or religious constraints, a commitment to the abuser and the relationship and fear of further violence. It has been estimated that the danger to a victim increases by 70% when she attempts to leave, as the abuser escalates his use of violence when he begins to lose control. Women report being verbally and/or physically abused for such things as: "the baby was crying," "the dishes were not done," "I didn't serve what he wanted for dinner," "I didn't want to have sex with him," the list is endless. Women have been dragged out of bed asleep and beaten, threatened or verbally abused. The idea that a woman could enjoy being punched, kicked, choked, called names or threatened is preposterous.
MYTH: The problem is not really women abuse, it is spouse abuse. Women are as violent as men.
FACT: In over 95% of domestic assaults, the man is the perpetrator. This fact makes many of us uncomfortable, but it is no less true because of this discomfort. To end domestic violence, we must scrutinize why it is usually men who are violent in partnerships. We must examine the historic and legal permission that men have been given to be violent in general, and to be violent towards their wives and children especially. There are rare cases where a woman batters a man. Domestic abuse does occur in lesbian and gay relationships. Survivors of abuse in such relationships should hear that even though their situation is rare, it does not make it less serious.
MYTH: Alcohol and drug abuse causes domestic violence.
FACT: Although there is a high correlation between alcohol, or other substance abuse, and battering, it is not a causal relationship. Batterers use drinking as one of many excuses for their violence and as a way to place the responsibility for their violence elsewhere. Stopping the abusers' drinking will not stop the violence. Both battering and substance abuse need to be addressed separately, as overlapping yet independent problems.
MYTH: Domestic violence is usually a one time, isolated occurrence.
FACT: Battering is a pattern of coercion and control that one person exerts over another. Battering is not just one physical attack. It includes the repeated use of a number of tactics, including intimidation, threats, economic deprivation, isolation and psychological and sexual abuse. Physical violence is just one of these tactics. The various forms of abuse utilized by batterers help to maintain power and control over their spouses and partners.
MYTH: The community places responsibility where it belongs – on the criminal.
FACT: Most people blame the victim of abuse for the crime, some without realizing it. They expect the victim/survivor to stop the violence, and repeatedly analyze her/his
motivations for not leaving, rather than scrutinizing why the abusive partner keeps beating their partner, and why the community allows it.
MYTH: Stress causes domestic violence.
FACT: Many people who are under stress do not assault their partners. Assailants who are stressed at work do not attack their co-workers or bosses.
MYTH: People who batter do so because they cannot control themselves or have "poor impulse control."
FACT: People who are abusive are usually not violent towards anyone but their wives/partners or their children. They can control themselves sufficiently to pick a safe target.
Abusers often beat their partners in parts of their bodies where bruises will not show. Statistics show that 60% of battered women were beaten while they were pregnant, often in the stomach. Many assaults last for hours. Many are planned.
MYTH: Men who batter are often good fathers and should have joint custody of their children if the couple separates.
FACT: Studies have found that men who batter their wives also abuse their children in 70% of cases. Even when children are not directly abused, they suffer as a result of witnessing one parent assault another. Batterers often display an increased interest in their children at the time of separation, as a means of maintaining contact with, and thus control over, their partners.
MYTH: When there is violence in the family, all members of the family are participating in the dynamic, and therefore, all must change for the violence to stop.
FACT: Only the batterer has the ability to stop the violence. Battering is a behavioral choice for which the batterer must be held accountable. Many battered women make
numerous attempts to change their behavior in the hope that this will stop the abuse. This does not work. Changes in family members' behavior will not cause the batterer to be non-violent.
MYTH: Men have a right to discipline their partners for misbehaving. Battering is not a crime.
FACT: While our society derives from a patriarchal legal system that afforded men the right to physically chastise their wives and children, we do not live under such a system now. Women and children are no longer considered the property of men, and domestic violence is a crime in every state in the country.
Resources: http://www.clarkprosecutor.org/html/domviol/myths.htm, http://www.couragenetwork.com/myths_64.html
FACT: Battering is extremely common. Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of 15 and 44 in our country, and the FBI estimates that a woman is beaten every 15 seconds. National studies indicate that at least 1 in 10 American women each year are abused by the men in their lives. In fact, half of all marriages involve at least one episode of violence between spouses. At least 1.8 million of these women are severely beaten every year. Thirty percent of female homicide victims are killed by partners or ex-partners and 1,500 women are murdered as a result of domestic violence each year in the United States. These statistics are shocking. However, the actual extent of the problem may be even worse since only an estimated 1 in 10 episodes is even reported to the police. Domestic violence is this country's most under reported crime.
MYTH: Domestic violence occurs only in poor, uneducated and minority families.
FACT: Studies of domestic violence consistently have found that battering occurs among all types of families, regardless of income, profession, region, ethnicity, educational level or race. However, the fact that lower income victims and abusers are over-represented in calls to police, battered women's shelters and social services may be due to a lack of other resources.
MYTH: Women provoke beatings/abusive incidents. They must like it or they would leave.
FACT: Victim provocation is no more common in domestic violence than in any other crime. Battered women often make repeated attempts to leave violent relationships, but are prevented from doing so by increased violence and control tactics on the part of the abuser. Other factors which inhibit a victim's ability to leave include economic dependence, few viable options for housing and support, unhelpful responses from the criminal justice system or other agencies, social isolation, cultural or religious constraints, a commitment to the abuser and the relationship and fear of further violence. It has been estimated that the danger to a victim increases by 70% when she attempts to leave, as the abuser escalates his use of violence when he begins to lose control. Women report being verbally and/or physically abused for such things as: "the baby was crying," "the dishes were not done," "I didn't serve what he wanted for dinner," "I didn't want to have sex with him," the list is endless. Women have been dragged out of bed asleep and beaten, threatened or verbally abused. The idea that a woman could enjoy being punched, kicked, choked, called names or threatened is preposterous.
MYTH: The problem is not really women abuse, it is spouse abuse. Women are as violent as men.
FACT: In over 95% of domestic assaults, the man is the perpetrator. This fact makes many of us uncomfortable, but it is no less true because of this discomfort. To end domestic violence, we must scrutinize why it is usually men who are violent in partnerships. We must examine the historic and legal permission that men have been given to be violent in general, and to be violent towards their wives and children especially. There are rare cases where a woman batters a man. Domestic abuse does occur in lesbian and gay relationships. Survivors of abuse in such relationships should hear that even though their situation is rare, it does not make it less serious.
MYTH: Alcohol and drug abuse causes domestic violence.
FACT: Although there is a high correlation between alcohol, or other substance abuse, and battering, it is not a causal relationship. Batterers use drinking as one of many excuses for their violence and as a way to place the responsibility for their violence elsewhere. Stopping the abusers' drinking will not stop the violence. Both battering and substance abuse need to be addressed separately, as overlapping yet independent problems.
MYTH: Domestic violence is usually a one time, isolated occurrence.
FACT: Battering is a pattern of coercion and control that one person exerts over another. Battering is not just one physical attack. It includes the repeated use of a number of tactics, including intimidation, threats, economic deprivation, isolation and psychological and sexual abuse. Physical violence is just one of these tactics. The various forms of abuse utilized by batterers help to maintain power and control over their spouses and partners.
MYTH: The community places responsibility where it belongs – on the criminal.
FACT: Most people blame the victim of abuse for the crime, some without realizing it. They expect the victim/survivor to stop the violence, and repeatedly analyze her/his
motivations for not leaving, rather than scrutinizing why the abusive partner keeps beating their partner, and why the community allows it.
MYTH: Stress causes domestic violence.
FACT: Many people who are under stress do not assault their partners. Assailants who are stressed at work do not attack their co-workers or bosses.
MYTH: People who batter do so because they cannot control themselves or have "poor impulse control."
FACT: People who are abusive are usually not violent towards anyone but their wives/partners or their children. They can control themselves sufficiently to pick a safe target.
Abusers often beat their partners in parts of their bodies where bruises will not show. Statistics show that 60% of battered women were beaten while they were pregnant, often in the stomach. Many assaults last for hours. Many are planned.
MYTH: Men who batter are often good fathers and should have joint custody of their children if the couple separates.
FACT: Studies have found that men who batter their wives also abuse their children in 70% of cases. Even when children are not directly abused, they suffer as a result of witnessing one parent assault another. Batterers often display an increased interest in their children at the time of separation, as a means of maintaining contact with, and thus control over, their partners.
MYTH: When there is violence in the family, all members of the family are participating in the dynamic, and therefore, all must change for the violence to stop.
FACT: Only the batterer has the ability to stop the violence. Battering is a behavioral choice for which the batterer must be held accountable. Many battered women make
numerous attempts to change their behavior in the hope that this will stop the abuse. This does not work. Changes in family members' behavior will not cause the batterer to be non-violent.
MYTH: Men have a right to discipline their partners for misbehaving. Battering is not a crime.
FACT: While our society derives from a patriarchal legal system that afforded men the right to physically chastise their wives and children, we do not live under such a system now. Women and children are no longer considered the property of men, and domestic violence is a crime in every state in the country.
Resources: http://www.clarkprosecutor.org/html/domviol/myths.htm, http://www.couragenetwork.com/myths_64.html
There are many ways that you can help a friend or family member who has been a victim of domestic or sexual violence or rape:
Acknowledge that they are in a very difficult and scary situation, be supportive and listen.
Let them know that the abuse is not their fault. Reassure them that they are not alone and that there is help and support out there. It may be difficult for them to talk about the abuse. Let them know that you are available to help whenever they may need it. What they need most is someone who will believe and listen.
Be non-judgmental.
Respect your friend or family member’s decisions. There are many reasons why victims stay in abusive relationships. They may leave and return to the relationship many times. Do not criticize their decisions or try to guilt them. They will need your support even more during those times.
If they end the relationship, continue to be supportive of them.
Even though the relationship was abusive, your friend or family member may still feel sad and lonely once it is over. They will need time to mourn the loss of the relationship and will especially need your support at that time.
Encourage them to participate in activities outside of the relationship with friends and family.
Support is critical and the more they feel supported by people who care for them, the easier it will be for them to take the steps necessary to get and stay safe away from their abusive partner. Remember that you can call the hotline to find local support groups and information on staying safe.
Help them develop a safety plan.
Check out our information on creating a safety plan for wherever they are in their relationship — whether they’re choosing to stay, preparing to leave, or have already left.
Encourage them to talk to people who can provide help and guidance.
Call us at 1-800-874-5936 for help, to get a referral for counseling or to get more information about our support groups. Offer to go with them. If they have to go to the police, court or lawyer’s office, offer to go along for moral support. Let your loved one know that professional help is also available through the
National Sexual Assault Hotline, 1.800.656.HOPE, the National Sexual Assault Online Hotline,
the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.
Remember that you cannot “rescue” them.
Although it is difficult to see someone you care about get hurt, ultimately they are the one who has to make the decisions about what they want to do. It’s important for you to support them no matter what they decide, and help them find a way to safety and peace.
Don't be afraid to let him or her know that you are concerned for their safety.
Help your friend or family member recognize the abuse. Tell him or her you see what is going on and that you want to help. Help them recognize that what is happening is not normal and that they deserve a healthy, non-violent relationship.
It is also important to note that having a friend or family member who is in a violent relationship, assaulted or raped can be a very upsetting experience. For this reason it is also important that you take care of yourself. Even if your friend and family member isn’t ready to talk to a shelter staff member or hotline specialist, you can get support for yourself. You can also get ideas about ways to help your friend or family member through the recovery process.
Excerpts for this resource where taken from The National Domestic Violence Hotline and RAINN.
Safety Planning
This plan contains suggestions for safety. Following these suggestions is not a guarantee of safety, but applying them to your own situation could improve your level of safety in
an abusive relationship. You may complete a more detailed, specific safety plan with one of our domestic violence advocates, please call 1-800-874-5936 or 517-265-6776 to
schedule an appointment.
Safety While in an Abusive Relationship
If leaving is not possible:
Safety While Preparing to Leave an Abusive Relationship
Items and documents to take:
After Leaving an Abusive Relationship
If you are moving:
If you are staying in your home:
Safety and Technology
Please call the 24-Hour National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224 or the Catherine Cobb Domestic Violence Program at 1-800-874-5936 or 517-265-6776 to discuss your concerns and questions.
Excerpts for this resource where taken from The National Domestic Violence Hotline
an abusive relationship. You may complete a more detailed, specific safety plan with one of our domestic violence advocates, please call 1-800-874-5936 or 517-265-6776 to
schedule an appointment.
Safety While in an Abusive Relationship
- If weapons are kept in your home, try to hide guns, ammunition, knives, and any other weapons, unless hiding the weapons would further jeopardize your safety. If this isn’t possible, try to make them inaccessible.
- Think about your home; identify the areas that are easiest to escape from and are free of potential weapons. Try to move to those areas during an argument.
- Avoid going to rooms like the kitchen where there are knives and other potential weapons and the bathroom that has hard surfaces and most likely doesn’t have a second exit.
- Try to have a phone accessible at all times. Consider hiding a prepaid cell phone to use in emergencies.
- Create a code word with friends and family in order to communicate to them that you need help.
- If an abusive incident seems imminent, trust your judgment. Sometimes it is best to leave; sometimes it is best to placate the abuser.
- Make a habit of backing your car into the driveway. Try to always have some gas.
- Keep the driver’s door unlocked and lock all other doors. Have a copy of the car key made and hide one in the car.
If leaving is not possible:
- Try to move into safe areas of your home.
- Make yourself physically smaller by curling into a ball and covering your head and face with
your hands.
Safety While Preparing to Leave an Abusive Relationship
- Be aware that cellular phones can contain GPS tracking devices. If possible, plan to get a new phone and new service plan when you leave, and leave your original phone behind.
- Know that leaving an abusive relationship can be the most dangerous time for you.
- Try to set aside money, even in small amounts. Start your own savings or checking account. Use the address of a trusted friend or family member when setting up the account.
- Keep a written list of important phone numbers with you.
- Have a packed bag ready. Keep it hidden in your home or leave the bag with friends, family, or at work if possible.
- Talk to your local domestic violence agency to find out about help they may be able to offer. In an emergency, call 911 first.
Items and documents to take:
- Birth and marriage certificates
- ID and Social Security Cards
- Keys
- School and Medical Records
- Passports, green cards, work permits
- Protective order, divorce papers, custody orders
- Bank papers and credit cards
- Medicine
After Leaving an Abusive Relationship
- If you have a protective order, always carry a copy with you. Make and keep copies for work, your car, and your home. Call the police and document when the protective order is broken.
- Consider letting friends, neighbors, and co-workers know about your situation and how they can help you stay safe.
- Try to carry a cell phone with you, and program it to dial 911.
- Change your regular travel habits. Try not to frequent the same stores or businesses you did when with your abuser.
If you are moving:
- Consider talking to your local shelter program about temporary shelter or other services they could provide
- If you need to conceal your new location, consider an address confidentiality program.
If you are staying in your home:
- Consider changing your locks or installing stronger doors.
- If the exchange of children is necessary, arrange a safe, neutral place to do the exchange.
- If your abuser comes to your home, you do not have to let him in. Keep the doors closed and locked, and call the police.
Safety and Technology
- Know that your computer activity can be monitored or checked without your
knowledge. It is not possible to delete or clear all of the “footprints" from your computer or online activities. If you are being monitored, it may be dangerous to change your computer behaviors such as suddenly deleting your entire Internet history if that is not your regular habit. - If you think you may be monitored on your home computer, be careful how you use your computer since an abuser might become suspicious. You may want to keep using the monitored computer for non-personal activities, like looking up the weather or reading the news. Use a safer computer to research an escape plan, look for new jobs or apartments, bus tickets, or ask for help.
- Consider opening a free email account that your abuser doesn’t know about. Only check it from public or otherwise safe computers (libraries, schools, a friend’s home).
- If you use have a cell phone, be aware that even calls that are toll-free will likely show up on your phone bill. If you are on a joint plan or access your phone bill online, others may have access to it. Consider making calls to shelters, lawyers, or other confidential services from a payphone or prepaid cell phone.
- Call the Catherine Cobb Domestic Violence Program and ask about our free cell phone program. These phones will allow you dial 911 as long as the phone is charged.
Please call the 24-Hour National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224 or the Catherine Cobb Domestic Violence Program at 1-800-874-5936 or 517-265-6776 to discuss your concerns and questions.
Excerpts for this resource where taken from The National Domestic Violence Hotline
